Like losing my shadow

On love with nowhere left to go.

Of course I knew this day would come. There is a 1 in 1 chance that a living creature dies. But knowledge of the inevitable doesn’t make it easier. Sir Godwin passed away yesterday, on 7 April 2026, and I haven’t stopped crying.

Since I adopted him from MSPCA in 2021 – post-psychosis, during Covid, nobody knew where he came from or what happened to him – he’s been by my side. At home, outside, even abroad. He’s visited more countries than the average Maltese person.

Wherever I went, I was always careful not to step on the tiny white shadow next to me. He was happy to do anything, as long as I was there. Wherever I went at home, he would be right there, always in the way, always welcome.

When I adopted him, I had no idea how to take care of a dog. I was 21 and he was my first pet. I was a university student, broke, living in a shared flat in Gżira. My two flatmates embraced his presence and he frequented house parties as often as we did.

The next five years were filled with adventures. Hikes in Malta, interrail from Brussels to Albania, regular flights to the Netherlands. He’s been with me for graduation, for the loss of my grandpa, and everything in between.

And now he’s not. He’s not here as I lie in bed, recovering from spinal surgery, in his usual spot next to me. He’s not there when I go to the bathroom, staring at me with his big eyes, waiting til I am done. He’s not there when I turn around in the kitchen, expecting to see my best friend lying in his bed or on the sofa, like a permanent presence ingrained in my brain.

I’ll need to learn to walk without tripping over him. I keep wanting to refill his water bowl. I suppose it won’t get easier, but time will pass, my brain will make room for new memories, and soon enough, life without a shadow will feel more familiar to me.

Someone told me grief is love not knowing where to go. I don’t know what to do with all my love for Sir Godwin, this little guy who made my life infinitely better and every adventure infinitely more fun. I lost my best friend.

My love for him will go on forever, and I’m sure so will his for me. I find some solace in the fact that this silly little boy had a life most dogs (and even humans) can only dream of. That doesn’t make it easier, though.

That same person told me to channel the love with nowhere to go to myself. It’s what he would have wanted, they said. I think they’re right. I meant as much to him as he meant to me.

That’s what I’ll attempt in the weeks to come. Being bedridden gives me the time and space to process this loss, to reflect and grieve. It won’t be fun, but it will be necessary.

Sir Godwin, I love you forever and ever. You’ll always be in my heart, little boy.